Are any of you attending Fanime this weekend in San Jose? Let me know! :D We should jazz hop the karaoke stage together. I tried to do that last year a bit, too. Yay, Fanime! :P

I don’t want to live just for the weekends. I want to live everyday. Even when I work, I want to feel alive. I want to say “please” and “thank you” with the most sincere smile on my face. I want to be human in an environment around other humans… but why is it that sometimes, it feels like I am punished for being a human that does not do things perfectly? I want to live everyday so bad. But everyday is the same. I want everyday to be different but I don’t know how.

I wake up every weekday morning, tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I feel heavy, like my body knows deep inside it is not time to get up simply because it does not feel like it. But we force ourselves to do so, eventually. 

The workday is repetitive. Say good morning to the same people. Get on the computer. Sit there for nearly 8 hours. Be confined to the desk. Some days are harder than others, dealing with people… some days are simple. Regardless, a work day never feels like my own. I feel like for those hours, I have sold my soul to someone else, because I come home exhausted trying to recollect my own thoughts and my own identity, trying to remember what it is I really want to do in life. 

And then I come home… take the train, take the walk, trying to remember why I bother to work. I say it’s to pay bills, but I always wonder why those bills are so important if I barely use any of the things I pay for. 

Then I get home. And I sit again… and most times I still don’t remember what I really want to do in life. I am too tired even though I sat on my ass all day. I’m mentally tired.

Sometimes I cook and clean. Sometimes I jog. But by the time I am done, there is no more time. It is time to sleep.

I want everyday to be different. Even if I do work, I want to feel the zen of the tasks and its peacefulness within the repetitiveness. When I come home from work, I don’t want to just wind down - I want an adventure. I want to go out and do something, or I want to stay home and create something (arts and crafts, music, etc). 

If you’re a kid still in school, stay there for as long as you can and enjoy it. Later in life, you will realize that you will be fed information that makes you critically think. You will stop learning. And life will not seem to be so magical anymore. You won’t meet so many people anymore because you’re stuck with those you didn’t choose to work with. You won’t make friends every semester like you did in school Finding friends will be difficult because you will barely have time to have a social life. Just embrace what you have now. Maybe the assignments are hard and school is really challenging but that’s the beauty of it. You meet people and learn intellectually interesting things along the way. With work, for most jobs, everything just becomes repetitive yet necessary to “get by.” Make your life interesting. 

Don’t become a robot. :/ 

I recently realized that the songs I write are things someone else told me and things I wish to believe in whole heartedly. I want to believe that I am strong and have overcome so much but all I can do is pretend I have… Though I’m actually not sure of myself…

I am so sensitive and vulnerable to the things that people think or say about me. I am ashamed to admit how I let people’s thoughts of me ruin my day. I cannot control what you think of me. No matter what my action, there will be more than a thousand interpretations. Perhaps what brings me peace is that I know what is in my heart. No malice. But what if those who are selfish don’t know or realize that they are truly selfish? I want to know myself but I cannot. I am confused. 

This is where music comes in… adding some clarity. Melodies and beats that somehow make life make sense without words. 

When I try to write a poem or a song… I try to focus on what emotion is emitted through getting deep into the beat… It awakens a part of me that was asleep because of fear of scrutiny. I become open like a book and become open to sharing my story with others. 

We all feel really intense emotions in our lives. Even if it may seem small to someone else, it does not matter. Our feelings carry us and can become so strong, swaying us to do things we would not do otherwise. Of course we feel alone in our emotions sometimes… how could someone who does not live our life ever understand how we feel? 

But I guess, in the end, everything is merely just a matter of perception. You have to know yourself and look deep inside yourself to not get phased by the outside world. 

I decided to have a diet coke this Friday evening to stay up late because I rarely ever do so. And for the first time in a long time I spent some time with myself listening to music and crafting stuff. I have a folder full of unfinished lyrics and drafts of some vocals I recorded. And I just reflect and laugh at myself because I realize how much I’ve changed in just one year… changed from the depressed, sad self I used to be, into someone who sees the world a little differently. Of course, as humans, we’re always changing. Life itself is a never-ending process of some type of development. It fascinates me.

It’s so weird how you could be so crazy in love with someone for so long and then… realize how today you decided to stop caring to release yourself from the pain. 

It’s amazing to realize you can truly love again.

It’s fascinating that you can look back at all your past actions and see how they made you who you are today.

And music is important in this such that… like a soundtrack for a movie, there’s a song associated to where I was in life. I remember what I was thinking and what was happening to me while reading some lyrics I wrote from last year to today. 

It’s just… so interesting to see how you can grow. 

Started jogging but I keep getting headaches the morning after. I also feel like throwing up. I don’t run THAT hard. Sheesh. I have no other outlet, so sorry tumblr, I am posting something kind of pointless. lol